Crack Lectures
by Meiixie
Summary: 3: It's a slow day, and this crazy loon keeps playing his cards like Yu-Gi-Oh. He seems to be winning though...
1. Prologue: How Max got to Kanto

_Just think of this as a Youtube Poop and your reading experience will be enhanced._

_Don't know what a Youtube Poop is? Look it up. On Youtube. IN AMERICA._

_© Satoshi Tajiri, T.V. Tokyo, The Pokémon Company...and stuff._

**[Crack Lectures][Prologue]-Neglected main character in a poorly sealed box approaching.**

Ah, we've been expecting this one for a while.

_Naive satellite character. Very intelligent; almost annoyingly so. Could probably speak in full sentences at age two, the bastard._

_Ridiculously unlucky. Easily influenced, very sarcastic and has a mouth a pirate captain would be proud of._

_Experienced super hacker._

_Is delusional; thinks he's the only child on the planet with a working brain._

_Age 9.999999._

_Probably has an assumed crush on his sister._

_Also has an assumed crush on the main character._

_Can down enough food to feed the whole of Ethiopia in one sitting and is still oh-so scrawny._

_Has a fetish for Psychic Pokémon and robot loli maids._

_Reports say that he has a twin in the Sinnoh region that stumbled into the prototype of an aging machine and is now a hormonally distressed 13-year-old skirt chaser._

...

_We're going to have to get said twin in here sometime. He seems owsum ;D_

Max opened his eyes, only to see nothing but dark brown all around him. He was still somewhat dizzy and his limbs felt like boulders, but he knew he was trapped in a limited square-shaped space.

But you know, most of us would just call it a box.

There were small air holes; large enough to be able to breathe but small enough to go undetected by the slightly brain dead post office workers.

Max could feel the box moving, probably on a conveyor belt. He had somehow survived a week and a half of being shipped from Hoenn to Kanto with no food or drinks and he seemed to be sane; he couldn't really tell after being stuffed in a box for 12 days without human interaction.

After what seemed like hours of moving on that conveyor belt, everything screeched to a halt.

"Oh, the new victim's here."

"Victim?!"

"Oh calm down, Tracey. You really should learn to appreciate Ming's sense of humor."

"But professor...I don't think--"

"Zip it, fatty. See, this is why you don't exist."

A pocket knife suddenly broke through the box. Max had to move his right arm to prevent it from being sliced. In a swift motion, the top of the box had been opened, and seizing the opportunity Max immediately stood up.

He wasn't expecting what he saw next.

Professor Oak, his grandson Gary, Tracey (who doesn't exist so he will be replaced by MISSINGNO's sprite), and some weird little girl he had never seen before.

"..."

Silence.

"..."

"..."

More silence.

"............."

"...Why the hell was I in a fucking _box_?!" Max finally snapped.

"Pirate mouth; check," said the girl in a monotone voice, checking something off in a clipboard she hadn't been holding before. "Step into my office, robot loli maid boy."

Just as soon as the thin thread that was Max's sanity snapped, his eyes were glimmering and he was floating around with the aid of microscopic angel wings he had metamorphosed on his head when he heard what he was being told.

"I get to be an intern?" Max cooed, floating around like a super deformed 5-year-old in a crack anime; really dragging out the 'ern' part.

"An unpaid one, but you'll be sticking around for a while," Professor Oak clarified. "Besides Tracey and Ming Chao here, I am short on hands."

"But professor, what about the paid lab aides you had working for you before?" Tracey asked. Not that he existed.

"Ah, they..." Professor Oak froze up. "T-They..." The truth was, they kind of just vanished during the transition from anime canon to fanfic. Of course, the professor didn't know how to word this in a way that wouldn't send the fourth wall crumbling. "STFU TRACEY YOU DON'T EXIST"

"WUUUTT ;__;"

Ming Chao then sort of dragged her heels to where Oak was, and tugged on his lab jacket. "It's okay if you break the fourth wall, professor," she said in a sweet yet eerily monotone voice. "We'll be doing it a lot, chao."

_The fourth wall then came tumbling down, and the debris covered the mangled corpse of Humpty Dumpty._

_Gary turned his head to look at it for a bit, but soon turned back around and returned to just standing there and looking awesome. Then he poofed away._

Upon returning to his regular, non-chibi form, Max had a question that had to be asked. "How and why am I here anyway?"

Ming Chao cleared her throat, jerking her doll-like body clockwise like a rusty android until she was facing Max.

"Your parents were sick of you doing nothing of value, so they drugged you while you slept, stuffed you in a box and shipped you to Kanto."

When Ming Chao fully turned to look at Max, he had somehow turned to stone with a look of sheer horror on his face.

Exactly what she had been expecting to see.

"Welcome to the place where all neglected main characters go."

"I believe you've been 'Oaked'," MISSINGNO/Tracey needlessly added. Nobody was listening to him though, especially not Max as he was too busy kicking the machine that read his age as '9.999999' until it read '10'.

**Author's End Note:** Ah, half-assed narrations with the occasional badfic parody. Just the way I like 'em!

So what did this prologue achieve, you may ask?

Absolutely nothing!

I just wanted to see if I could go through with writing a simple introductory chapter to explain how Max got all the way to freakin' Kanto for the story.

I also wanted to introduce Ming Chao, who is most definitely not a placeholder for more unpaid, badly treated interns who will shift according to who I want to showcase.

So difficult when a neglected main character gets thrown out halfway across the world, and we have to go fetch him, eh?

Next chapter Oak starts getting his new lecture pokemon shipped!

_Smell ya later._


	2. 1: Burn baby, BURN!

_Today the role of Tracey will be done by the black question mark MISSINGNO and Max is going through somewhat of a Satanist phase as a side effect of puberty._

_Don't worry, it'll be over by the next chapter. I have estrogen shots._

_© Satoshi Tajiri, T.V. Tokyo, The Pokémon Company...and stuff._

**[Crack Lectures][1]-Burn bby, BURN.**

_Today's Tier: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..._

Max kicked the machine. "LOAD, MOTHERFUCKER!! YOU WILL NEVER MEET THE LORD OF DARKNESS AT THIS RATE!!!1"

_UU: Rotom (Heat Form)_

_"ALL TOASTEHS TOAST TOAST."_

"WE'RE ALL GONNA BURN IN AN ELECTRIC FIREY HELL!!1"

Professor Oak face palmed from his seat in a comfortable leather chair. He was dressed as Sailor Moon. "This is going to be a _long_ day...do you mind?! I'm trying to role play here!"

Rotom poofed into the room...and started burning everything by using Overheat.

"YES, BURN! BURN UNTIL THERE'S NOTHING LEFT!!1"

Professor Oak got up, his ridiculously short skirt showing off certain hairy parts of his body nobody wanted to see. Even though he was at a reasonable distance from the fire, he spontaneously combusted, and started doing Sailor Moon poses.

"INTHENAMEOFTHEMOONIWILLPUNISHYOUINTHENAMEOFTHEMOONIWILLPUNISHYOUPUNISHIAMSAILORMOON"

As Oak was recovering from second degree burns, Max vomited fire on him, only worsening the situation and burning Oak's wig off. Max said that this was the true wrath of the lord Satan.

"Why can't I go one lecture session without being severely injured?!" Oak was now stopping, dropping and rolling.

Tracey was just kind of spazzing and freezing and making weird glitch noises and being an overall jerk.

"I think he's turned on," commented Ming Chao/not placeholder. "Now then..." Ming Chao cleared her throat. "Rotom is a weird, creepy little fucker, just like Max. Apparently this personified lightning bolt can possess household electronics and kill people while smugly grinning like the sadistic little douche it is, just like Max. It can lock you in its Frost Form and once you've surely died of hypothermia it'll proceed to digest you whole. Its Cut Form, well, try sticking your hand in it. No really, please do. It's Wash Form will surely drown you, soften your flesh with its water-like gastric fluids and digest you; its Spin Form will use its minor telekinetic ability to push you toward its center and chop your body into bite-size piece of delicious bloody human flesh..." Ming Chao started drooling. "As for its Heat Form, well..." Ming Chao turned away from the screen to reveal the scene going on.

Oak's body was now 75% burned with his Sailor Moon cosplay was almost completely burned off, Max was trying to put it out by stomping on Oak's manhood repeatedly as he chanted Latin chants of devotion to the flaming prince of darkness, Tracey (who STILL does not exist) was having a seizure while his crotch was flaming, Gary was in Johto assisting Snake as Professor Otacon Elm was on vacation with his whores, and the next chapter's new challengers were taking the sanity test over at the author's room.

_"Now, when I say 'Tracey', what's the first word that comes to mind?"_

_May shrugged. "Drawing, I guess. Tracey sure does like to draw."_

_"Who the fuck is Tracey?" asked Drew. He crossed his arms and flipped his neon green hair in that order._

_"Is he hot?" asked Harley._ _Oh Harley you so gay.~_

"That's all for today," said Ming Chao. "Everyone Get Pokémon! Oh, and if you will just look over here..." She put on some goggles, took out what looked like a metallic dildo with a translucent tip, pressed a button, and the tip of the phallic piece of metal began blinking in various colors.

Your memory has been erased, and this chapter never happened.


	3. 2: Bad EGG is BAD

_This chapter features flaming homosexuals, fresh meat, and a glitch with origins even darker than Tracey._

_© Satoshi Tajiri, T.V. Tokyo, The Pokémon Company...and stuff._

**[Crack Lectures][2]-Bad EGG is ****BAD****.**

_Today's Tier: ... ... ... ... ... ..._

_OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. NOW SHUTTING DOWN. OVERLOAD. MALFUNCTION._

_OTHER STUFF REGARDING TOTAL OBLITERATION._

_... ..._

An egg was sitting on the table. Everyone kept at a reasonable distance from it. The egg was a sickly yellow with green spots all over it that looked inexplicably nasty.

This had been a result of Max taking out his estrogen-induced emo angst on the unnamed pokémon machine one too many times. The machine went into overdrive, and it went all glitchy, teleporting the disgusting yellow egg in the process. Nobody knew what was inside the egg and they didn't want to check. They just knew that it looked gross, it smelled gross, and getting too close might result in grave consequences.

The only person reacting normally was Ming Chao, who was immune to plot-induced stupidity...not that there was a plot to begin with. Still, she kept far from the egg. She already knew what it was; a bad egg. The expression on his face told Ming Chao that Professor Oak also knew what it was. Or maybe he had a very bad case of the runs. Regardless, bad egg was bad and the first poor sap to approach it would likely have their soul sucked out of them through their left ear.

_**Meanwhile...**_

_The ominously shadowed figure of a female sat, skillfully pressing keys of a large, glowing keyboard. On the screen attached were three simultaneous videos: Professor Oak's lab, Professor Elm's lab, and some sort of tutorial on how to splice genes._

_The figure smiled creepily, glasses glowing in the process. "I see my creation is doing marvelously. Only a matter of time before that nitwit with the nerd glasses gets his soul vacuumed by my lovely little egg, causing my wonderful unwilling husband-to-be to collapse in fear and worry over his younger brother causing for incestuous boy love fan girls to go crazy...uhuhuhu..."_

_Behind her, tied together with a thick rope, were May, Drew and Harley. _

_"This lady is insane," mumbled May so only Drew and Harley could hear her._

_"Honestly, she could have just knocked him over with a mallet or something," replied Drew._

_"Plot-induced stupidity, sweethearts. It's the only way this story will get anywhere."_

_The figure turned her head in a 360 degree angle with an ominous smile on her face. "My lovely," she hissed. She turned her head back around before her neck completely snapped._

_The trio glanced towards their left as a really afraid Conway tried to undo the ropes, only succeeding in irritating his skin. Unlike the others, he was gagged, according to the ominous female, at the risk of him saying something that would make her go crazy and try to rape him on the spot. _

_"Of all the men she could have chosen, it just had to be the creepy pedophile," said Drew in a worthless attempt to get attention._

_Conway then shouted something along the lines of "I'm fourteen!" but it's not like anyone could understand him. _

_May let her head hang. "I still can't believe my older brother is a lolicon skirt-chaser..."_

_"(I'm not)!"_

_"Still, he's got it in the looks department. He looks like my lovely little Max, only legal," cooed Harley, tossing a flirtatious look in Conway's direction, causing him to go blue-faced and turn in the opposite direction as well as his tied up body allowed him. He fell on his side. May sighed._

_The female figure in front of the computer chuckled. "Mah boy..."_

_And to think all of this had started with an innocent visit to the game shop to buy a Play station 3._

_**Back at the lab...**_

The egg began to glow and emit a horrible odor that sent Tracey running to the bathroom to throw up. He didn't come out.

Max locked himself in the bomb shelter in the basement, locking it from the inside so nobody else could get in. This left Professor Oak alone to try and find a solution, as Ming Chao suddenly got up and decided to 'take her vacation NOW', poofing away to the safety of Professor Elm's lab to give useless advice to Snake as Gary was doing a half-assed job.

"Why..." croaked Oak."I organized this so I wouldn't have to take the heat from the pokémon...so why am I still on the verge of death here?"

_The female figured laughed manically as she continued to press the keys on the keyboard, reading everything twice before running it past spell-check on Word. Because, you know, all the cool kids use WordPad. She then decided to take a break and forcefully snuggle up with Conway over a glass of vodka even though they were both underage. And of course by snuggle I mean have the creepy lady attempt to sexually harass Conway and force alcohol down his throat at the same time._

_May, Drew and Harley could only look on as May lost more and more faith in the human race and Drew grew more pissed at the fact that the three of them hadn't done anything productive this whole chapter and Harley daydreamed about Snake's lovely body while drool pooled at the corner of his lip. _

The egg suddenly cracked. Professor Oak stood very still. Slimy black tentacles slowly oozed out like...well, slime. Max looked on from the bomb shelter using his X-ray binoculars and wished it were Misty or May rather than the professor there. Then it'd be hot.

The tentacles slowly approached a blue-faced Oak, began creeping up his pants...

Max then decided that things were going to get ugly so he shut off his multipurpose binoculars and instead decided to chow down on some of the food stashed in the bomb shelter, then taking a lovely nap on the bed there as the soundproof metallic door blocked the rape and carnage taking place outside.

For some unexplained reason over at the beach, as many beautiful adult models wearing as little as possible fed him grapes, Gary had a feeling of gratitude for not being at his grandfather's lab at that moment, and that he never sold his Mercedes.

_The creepy girl's glasses glowed again. "Bad Egg: It's not a pokémon, but rather a small creation of mine. It's quite simple; all I needed to do was inject some fetus-killing chemicals into an otherwise normal pokémon egg and leave it to rot for a couple of months. I think it was an Eevee I killed...? Probably destined to belong to some Mary Sue. Good thing I put it out of its misery early on, huh? Anyway, its game equivalent is an end-all glitch slash payback mechanism from Action Replay devices toward greedy hackers who try to create max stat beasts to obliterate the mean old jerk wads who keep owning them on Wi-Fi, or for the really pathetic, to obliterate Cynthia because they can't admit to getting owned by a chick more than once. Now, where was I..."_

_Drew was now very pissed. "Come __**ON**__! Shouldn't we be in Johto right now, doing contests and shit? Instead we're here, doing nothing of value!"_

_May was surprised, as she had only ever seen Drew lose his cool one other time. "Where are we, anyway?" she asked._

_The girl smiled. "Welcome to Scatland."_

**Author's End Note:** The plot thickens! Just who is this unnamed estrogen secreting beast and why is she in love with a skirt-chasing creep?

Answer: Because that skirt-chasing creep is my second favorite character.

And how on earth did those other guys all end up in Scatland?

Actually, that one's going to go without an answer until, and if, I can come up with a believable answer. It'll probably involve Scatman John and his power to lead pure souls to the safe haven that is Scatland...but wait, why the crap is Harley there? Oh well. Until then, feel free to comment on how many IQ points you lost in that centrifuge! What...what centrifuge, you ask? The one I stuffed you in at the end of the last lecture of course! You were pretty much out cold though, so of course you won't remember you silly Panini! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to sabotage Gary's Mercedes. Lucky bastard thinks he can get away without suffering the cruel indifference of---

_Everyone Get Pokémon!_


	4. 3: THIS CARD GAME SUCKS

_This chapter contains the Teachy T.V guy from the Fire Red/Leaf Green games (who we will conveniently call 'Dud'), breaching the contract due to a high financial status, and card games._

_© Satoshi Tajiri, T.V. Tokyo, The Pokémon Company...and stuff._

_

* * *

_**[Crack Lectures][3]-THIS CARD GAME SUCKS**

"I play the nine in defense mode!" cried Dud.

"For the seventh fucking time! This is NOT Yu-Gi-Oh!" retaliated Max, who was currently going through his man-period.

Gary sighed. He went through a painful, boring and _tedious_ process just so he could be written back into the Kanto area for this?!

It seemed like he was the only sane person in this lab. His grandfather was bordering on senile, Tracey had a big man crush on said grandfather and was constantly fading in and out of existence, Max had the potential to be sane but was going through the state of mental and hormonal instability that was puberty so he didn't count, that freaky Asian girl seemed to finally be gone, and every single pokémon that arrived in the lab every Thursday seemed to have some sort of problem and would try to kill, rape and/or eat someone (usually the professor). Gary made a mental note to try and petition the freaky flash girl taking up residence in the basement to try and add Misty to the cast as she seemed to be the only one exempt from these retarded weekly TV lectures and the freaky flash girl seemed to have some form of control over what happened.

_'It almost seems like she's the one __**writing**__ this crap'_, Gary thought.

* * *

_She sat cross-legged in front of her gigantic computer screen, thinking of what to write. She had just overdosed on chocolate but she would have to wait a while before the sugar would kick in._

_Drew kicked away one of the empty wrappers littering the ground as May drooled at the scent of chocolate chip lingering in the air._

_"I'd kill for something sweet to eat right about now..." she mumbled, her voice barely coherent at this point._

_"This is why this bitch is a diabetic", ranted Drew. "She just scarfs down sugar like it's the stuff keeping her alive and won't share." He completely disregarded how out of character he was behaving, but Harley didn't._

_"Ooh, I just love it when you act like a seme!" cooed Harley. "It turns me on!"_

_"Someone please kill this flaming son of a bitch before I do..."_

_May was rapidly losing her mind. She began chanting in a sing song voice, "Chocolate treats. Sweet to eat. Chocolate treats. Yum yum sweet." This went on for a while._

_"What are we supposed to call you anyway, Freaky Flash Girl?" asked Drew._

_The girl smirked. "You can call me Charm."_

_"Charm?! The hell kind of name is--" he suddenly shut up even though he really wanted to finish that statement. He found himself mentally unable to continue. This inability pissed him off even more._

_"Yes, Charm." She gently brushed May's glaceon until it began purring. "Oh, and I should probably mention that all your pokémon are belong to me in this sub-dimension. Well, all of them except Harley's. They freak me out." She shuddered at the thought of his Wigglytuff actually moving._

_Glaceon then grew bored, and hopped off of Charm's lap and quietly laughed to itself at the sorry state Conway was in; Charm was pinning him down with her bare feet. He would have gotten a gratuitous view up her dress had he not been unconscious and frankly, unwilling to look as he was much more afraid of her than he was attracted._

_Glaceon took a comfortable seat in an open drawer, and would occasionally poke Conway to see if he was awake. It was amusing. Glaceon took his glasses, froze them with an ice beam, and put them back on his face._

_"Now that I think of it, things would probably be a lot more fun with Misty around...I should probably begin the arrangements."_

* * *

"I play the six in attack mode!"

Max face palmed. He didn't even bother: this guy was a loon.

It was a relatively slow day today, considering that lectures were only given after every Pokémon episode. This was a break week however, so today everyone was just massively bored, playing games to pass the time. Usually they would be doing much more colorful things over the week, but for some reason Thursday breaks were terribly boring. Professor Oak had caught wind of this _years_ ago and simply asked that nobody wake him up on break days.

He had failed to inform his subordinates about this, and now they were all very awake and very bored.

However, not everything went too bad. Apparently in the alternate sub-dimension that was the basement/Control Room, today was a homework-free weekend so Charm got off her face high on those $1.99 multi-grain chocolate chip bars they sell in CVS and decided that she would report the status of the Pokémon world away from the main characters on a slow day. Why not the main characters, you may ask? Because everyone and their mothers wrote about them, and gave no love to the ones that had been Oaked.

"Do you have any queens?" asked Tracey. He was currently translucent and fading away in the form of orbs of light. Think Sailor Moon here.

"Go fish and bring back your dead grandmother if you can. I'm not done with her."

"Yawls wanna knows how to catch water pokeymans?" shouted Dud.

**"NO!" **That outside voice sounded strangely like Dr. Robotnik.

What was scary about this card game, besides the fact that they were actually pieces of paper with the card details copied onto them due to the recent budget cut, was that everyone was epically cheating...and Dud was _winning_.

Tracey drew the last card. He now had about 35 cards; everyone else had 5. The players were Tracey, Max, Gary, Dud and the Bad Egg from the last lecture. Turns out she wasn't so bad after all--she just smelled terrible (something that could be easily solved with some apple-scented Febreze) and was sick of being referred to as a male. She took great pride in being almost born a rare female Eevee, after all. She also came up with the ideas of printing out the cards from the internet.

Bad Egg put down one slimy black tentacle on the table (the scentless one) as she was about to pick up a card, but realized there were none.

_"What the hell?" _she asked telepathically. Having an Espeon for a mother had its advantages. _"Tracey? Why the fuck do you have 35 cards? Are you sure you know how to play this game?"_

Tracey was about to answer, but he finally disappeared at that moment.

"Damn. We lost Tracey again," said Max in a monotone voice, eying the cards in his hand.

"Those bastards," replied Gary in the same tone.

_"Good riddance. We need those cards. Someone needs to beat this hickory nut sandwich."_

"I actervate my ace card! That means yer ace is mined now!"

"Someone please kill him," pleaded Max. "Before I have to."

_"I would but that goes against my standards."_

"You're...a personified stillbirth resulting from a game glitch," Gary pointed out. "What standards?"

_"The ones where I should be a fluffy white puffball that sweats glitter and either licks peoples' noses or tries to shatter their skulls with shadow balls. Now shut up and make your move before I shove this 20 foot tentacle up your arse."_

Her statement made no sense, but Gary got the idea and said no more. He decided to pick out any card he needed from Tracey's deck, and declared victory. Max and Bad Egg would have declared foul had that not been the entire premise of the game. Dud didn't really care; he was just excited to teach.

"Aw dang, I lost all my life points! I should have used the queen of hearts! She purdy--"

Max beat Dud down with an old frying pan until he was sure he had left some severe head trauma. His man-period had now progressed to level 2.

"THIS CARD GAME SUCKS!"

* * *

_Charm saved and closed the file, smiling in self-satisfaction. She had decided to be nice and gave everyone free chocolate bar boxes to last them a week tops if they were responsible enough to save. Charm scooped up glaceon. _

_"Time for dinner, baby. Say bye-bye to May now. We'll be seeing them all tomorrow!" she cooed. Glaceon fell asleep in her arms. It liked Charm. She and Conway were much smarter than these other nit-wits. Unfortunately Charm was also a dominatrix with a nerd fetish so she dragged Conway around like a 5-year-old girl would drag around her favorite plush toy._

_"As for YOU." Charm turned to Conway, who turned blue again. "You're sleeping with me tonight!"_

_Being the very classification of a nerd, Conway was not used to receiving any sort of positive attention from women; much less obsession. However, that last thing Charm said turned him on just a little. She was almost as hot as Dawn; her skirt was just longer, and her hair was much frizzier._

* * *

**Author's Note**: Hooray for no visible plot!

Well, we got a name for the freaky flash girl if that counts.

Next time we should be back on track for a lecture!

Here's a hint: This pokémon is a major slut.


End file.
